It's ok to wonder

Now playing : No Doubt - Sunday Morning

Ever wondered how things will have turned out if you had chosen a different path in life? I mean, just ignore all the things people will say about not regretting the past or not to think back on what has happened. Just remember! It is the past that shapes our future. We will spend the rest of our lives thinking about the good and the bad in the past. That is nature’s law. Thinking about the past is perfectly alright, but living in the past is not. This isn’t about regret though. Wondering and regretting is totally different.

Sometimes I do wonder how different I might be right now if I hadn’t chosen to stay in Penang and further my education here. What if I had told my parents, please send me overseas. Back then, my only thought was I will be very homesick. Besides, financially, I saved my parents a lot of money and headache by studying in Penang. :P But now I’m 25 and I believe my thinking has changed slightly. If I think back when I was deciding what to do with my life after SPM but using the mindset or mental state I am in now, I would have wanted to study abroad. It’s a nice thought but I would have squeezed my parent’s pockets dry if I had done that. Maybe things would have turned out differently..better? no? It’s unknown. I’m sure it would have been a very rewarding experience in terms of exposure, independence and experience. But things aren't too bad now, I ain't complaining about my life. I love my life but I tend to imagine different scenarios most of the time.

Anyway, I chose to study Computer Science because back then, I thought that this was the only thing I am able to do and I chose to study here. It was a good thing and I learnt many things there. I enjoyed that episode of my life. If I hadn’t done that, I will not have met the people that are now one of my closest friends. I would never have known how nice it feels to hang out with them. In a way, it’s a blessing! Frankly, I don’t like IT anymore, I don’t like programming and supporting systems, I don’t like learning new technical mumbo jumbo at all but I’m thankful to have studied here and met the great friends I have now. I loved college times. It was 4 great years of my life excluding the exams.

In terms of exposure, fortunately I didn’t miss out totally. I could say I got a slight taste of it when I started working. I was constantly sent to Singapore during the 1^st and 2^nd year of my work and a 2 week stint in the US last year. So I had a preview but of course it is totally different from staying and studying long term in a foreign country. What I experienced is like 'finger food'. Small, temporary yet delicious. I loved my trip to US. It was an eye-opening experience and I liked it there. But now I’m just sitting here staring at the long-ish codes in a program and contemplating how in hell did anybody come up with shit like that. And I wonder… this isn’t for me anymore, is it? It probably was when I first started off but I knew I never wanted to do this forever. Anything to do with training on new technology or new programming language, I could almost vomit blood. I have absolutely zero interest in this now. I’m just shocked at how long I’ve stayed in this field. Time flies in a state of convenience but it’s time for me to seek a new challenge. Whatever that is. I’m still looking. I’m desperate enough to think I might join my dad in his field of work although I grew up having no interest in it. Maybe I have changed. I could learn a lot more and see things a lot differently if I choose to enter that field. But it’s just a passing thought. Someone said that if I wake up every morning and feel energetic to come to work, it means I like my job but if I wake up and feel a big dread and burden, something is very wrong.