I GIVE UP

Can I really? You ever have those days where you just want to put up your hands and say I give up! I surrender! Whatever!
I am having one of those days. I'm here reading something and I just go - I GIVE UP. I wish I can give up and walk off. I'm fed up and I'm frustrated and I'm stumped. I'm out of ideas... Can this be over?

The Scientist

I have to say that I was pleasantly surprised to find out that one of my favourite songs of all time The Scientist by Coldplay was featured in the latest episode of Glee. I first heard this song in the movie Wicker Park, the ending airport scene which was so so so touching. Glee's version was not too bad either but nothing beats the original. *wink*

Missing

Sunday evening is not the best time .... like ever. It is nice if the next day is an off day but unfortunately I have to go to work and I have to deal with matters that sometimes makes me want to give up. Doesn't that sound familiar? I am sure everyone feels this way one point in time or every single breathing moment.

It is during these bluesy Sunday evenings that brings to surface poignant memories that was once a part of my life. I guess it is rather true that misery loves company.

I miss the time when I wake up in the morning and I sit on my bed in front of my closet, doors wide open and I just sit there and stare into it looking at all my clothes while thinking what I should wear that day. Strangely, it feels very calming. A mixture of the smell of clean clothes and my room.

I am sitting in the kitchen on this Sunday evening and I look out to my backyard. I miss my dog, Chyna. My beloved dog. She would always be waiting for me at the door, just standing at the doorway, always curious what we are doing. Or she would be lying on the ground silently following our movements with her gaze, tempting me almost to come and give her a belly massage. She would gently gnaw at my fingers and my hand, it feels awesome. She is such an obedient dog, smart, cheeky and sometimes more human than some bitches and SOBs out there.

I miss also, sitting on my bed in front of the fan and staring off into space. I realise I do a lot of sitting and staring into nowhere. I should take note of that and consider more adventurous adrenaline-rush activities such as swimming with sharks and sky diving. In my next life maybe.

I miss the times where I don't feel this enormous dread to get out of bed and go to work. When I would look forward to the day or at least look forward to end of the day, not with enormous glee or whatever. I mean I am human after all, who the hell looks forward to go to work. But the dread is so overbearing that I wish I would never wake up. Does it mean something?

Aahh...it seems trivial, it seems simple and it probably is. But this is who I am and sometimes I hate who I am. I wish I could wake up one day and not care at all, not give a damn about anything.

I wish....

Choices

Life is full of choices. When you wake up, you make a choice of do you want to make some milk and milo today or just go to work empty stomached because it is way too early to eat anything and spend some awkward minutes in a meeting trying to mask the sound of your tummy growling because you chose not to have the light breakfast. You then make a choice of wearing the same old ugly worn out shoes for work or the spanking new pair of shoes you just bought 2 days ago and have been dying to wear knowing sure enough it is gonna eat into your skin the first time and leave you with a bad cut because you didn't put a padding in it. For sake of beauty, girls go for the latter. But the scar on the back of your ankle doesn't go away, mind you. Then you wonder if you want to have a heavy lunch and skip dinner because you start to feel fat and bloated and that makes you feel guilty for even eating at all or you skip the lunch and have a guilt-free dinner by telling yourself you only had 2 meals or worst, 1 meal that day so you have every friggin right to enjoy your dinner. I know it doesn't work that way as we tend to over-indulge when we are super hungry but let's just be naive for a second. What if one day you wake up and you realise you don't have a choice but to go to work. Do we have a choice of staying at home and having our so called ME time? And the many many days after where you wake up every morning feeling like a piece of steaming hot pile of shit wishing you have a choice. You do, everyone and everything comes with a choice as well as a consequence. Somedays we have to be logical and realistic and some days you just want to say I-DON'T-GIVE-A-SHIT. Everyone needs a break to recharge and refresh. What if you realise it is no longer working for you and no matter how hard you try, you can't charge and you can't shake the shitty feeling every morning. You are left again with choices and consequences, most often than not in these circumstances....you make the stupidest choices but what if at the end of the day, all you want is to be able to be happy. To not have to keep your frustrations and bring it home. What if it is a choice of being happy or being miserable. Life is too short and we waste it away a lot. Sometimes we need to make a choice for change. A change is good. That is how we recharge. Doing something different. I made a choice for that more than a year ago, I became happy but change happens everyday and sometimes it ends and you are left with new choices to make. Some days you just don't want to wake up but unfortunately that is not a choice you can make.

The Help

This is a very very very very very good movie.
That's all I want to say about it. Watch it..

Chyna

I lost my dearest pet who is my friend and my family for the past 10 years of my life. I don't know how to grieve of it. I didn't get to say goodbye but in all fairness, it wasn't right to prolong her suffering just so I could see her. I wouldn't have been able to get through it if I was there. It hurts so bad and I hope she is reborn into a good life.

Is that it?

My whole life...packed into a luggage. I have no words to describe how I feel.