Bluesy

I miss the life I never had. I hate feeling this way, it makes me so blue that I don't know to switch back to cheery yellow colour. I wonder why is it that it is ok for others to have happiness and what not but I don't deserve it and we're not allowed to deserve it or even think it. 

I wish today will just end.

One year on

I was looking for some files in my laptop today and came across this photo of my dog Chyna. Only did I realised it is almost a year since her passing. Looking at the photo aches my heart a little but I know she is in a better place. I miss stroking her fur and scratching her cheek with my fingers. She was a good companion. Her last few weeks were not great for her. No matter how sick or weak she was, everytime she sees me she will come running to me though it was sometimes a struggle. I want to dedicate the song Over You to my beloved pet and no, I am most definitely not over her.

Aptly Titled

I recently discovered photo app called TitleFx. It lets me add text onto a photo, in a way to make it look like poster or magazine. I am getting a kick out of making a collection of memorable moments using this. I want to make this one of my tentative resolutions which is to use this app to identify photos that are part of a key moment in my life. Yes, I have nothing better to do with my life. I like to decorate stuff.... Here are some I have collected so far.

Potato Crave

I love potatoes. I love them fried, I love them mashed, I love them baked, I love them for heaven's sake. The need to rhyme is a little 'sampat'.
Potatoes are filling and fattening I suppose but I can never get enough of it. I have made potato salad before which I absolutely LOVE. Recently I made mashed potatoes again, I haven't made mashed potatoes in years and it is so simple to make, so delicious too. I'm tooting my own trumpet but why not?
Here are 3 photos of potato dishes I made recently.

One year on

Another milestone has passed, another milestone coming up in February and another bigger celebratory milestone in March. Can't help thinking what happened to the clock...I just blinked...
I remember that I went to great lengths to find the matching pink tie to match my dress. I love lilies so I had the hand bouquet customised and it turned out alright and surprisingly affordable. It was interesting day after all. Everything went well despite almost getting into an argument with some idiot person who wanted to jump our queue. Time flies doesn't it?

My 1st attempt at butter cake

The recipe was simple, the ingredients were minimal... It was just music to my ears. I have done cheesecake before in a class and boy, that was too much work. Now butter cake was a lot simpler. I got the recipe from my dear aunt. I have made it twice now but it wasn't perfect. It didn't flop but it wasn't perfect enough for me. The bottom got burnt but the rest is edible and it was a tad dry. Probably the temperature was too high and i placed it to low on the rack. Nevertheless, I think I would be able to improve it after a few more tries and knowing the right temperature for my oven. Now I am by no means an expert in this, I still need to try it out few more times before it becomes the soft, moist cake that I love.

All I needed was :
250gm of salted butter (preferably Golden Churn or SCS)
220gm of sugar
1 teaspoon of vanilla essence
5 eggs
220gm of self raising flour
1 teaspoon of baking powder
2 tablespoons of milk
1 tablespoon of milk powder

My first comment when I saw this was... Hey, so I just dump all this in a bowl and beat it up? The laughter I heard next proved I was totally useless at baking. Ok, the answer is no. I have to first mix the butter and the sugar. Then add on the vanilla and eggs one by one. Beat them till they are white and fluffy at high speed.
The first time I did it, I dumped all the flour into the mix after that and beat it well and fast (after sieving of course). Wrong again... I have to put the sieved flour in and fold it bit by bit. So what I did the second time was sieve the flour, baking powder and milk powder in a separate bowl. Once my butter and sugar mix is well beaten with egg and all, I put the flour into the mix bit by bit. No hard and fast mixing now. Just fold it slowly. Apparently it has something to do with folding and air getting into it that makes it fluffy. Finally I add in the milk, fold a bit more and voila. Time to bake.

I guess 180C would be the right temperature for 45 minutes. I need to experiment that a bit more.
Anyway, it was interesting baking that, it wasn't perfect but for a first timer...I think I did OK! It really cheered me up and distracted me from something that was bothering me. The process isn't fun nor is the cleaning but the end result was satisfying.

The hidden meaning of revamping

Revamp - An act of improving the form, structure, or appearance.

I've revamped the look of my blog. Whether that is an improvement or not, I frankly don't give a crap as long as I like it. I do little things like this every once in a while. Change what I can change in my life eventhough it is a trivial thing. There is not much I can change for a majority of my life but this...this I have control. This I can do..

People revamp their image, their belongings, their house, their car, their blogs, their hobbies..whatever it takes. Not because I have too much time on my hands (yeah maybe I do sometimes but I still have a job). These little things help me get through my days. When I was younger, when things get me down, I re-organize my bedroom to make it look different, to make it feel newer.

As I get older, things change, circumstances change. Sometimes I can afford to revamp something different, sometimes there are constraints. Whatever it is, when life gets too routine, I need to find something to redesign. Little things such as changing my handbag, changing phone cover, getting new cushion covers, trying to discover a hidden talent which in fact I don't have. It is a cheap, temporary thrill that makes me feel fresher. It could mean re-arranging my books or changing my wardrobe. I may take up learning something new such as baking a cake. Never in my life have I baked a cake until a couple of months ago. Now I'm attempting to successfully bake a butter cake. I was going through some hiccups and worries recently and what gets me through was finally baking a butter cake that didn't burn beyond recognition - it was quite an achievement. It distracted me just a little enough to cheer me up! Desserts are miracles, don't you think so? Stressed means desserts.

My point is, things are just blah now so I'm getting a cheap short thrill from changing the look of my blog. The feeling will probably last till tomorrow, whatever it takes...There's not much going on in my life so I'll top it off now by kicking back and watching some Modern Family in a while.

Maybe I'll change my iPad cover tomorrow...

I GIVE UP

Can I really? You ever have those days where you just want to put up your hands and say I give up! I surrender! Whatever!
I am having one of those days. I'm here reading something and I just go - I GIVE UP. I wish I can give up and walk off. I'm fed up and I'm frustrated and I'm stumped. I'm out of ideas... Can this be over?

The Scientist

I have to say that I was pleasantly surprised to find out that one of my favourite songs of all time The Scientist by Coldplay was featured in the latest episode of Glee. I first heard this song in the movie Wicker Park, the ending airport scene which was so so so touching. Glee's version was not too bad either but nothing beats the original. *wink*

Missing

Sunday evening is not the best time .... like ever. It is nice if the next day is an off day but unfortunately I have to go to work and I have to deal with matters that sometimes makes me want to give up. Doesn't that sound familiar? I am sure everyone feels this way one point in time or every single breathing moment.

It is during these bluesy Sunday evenings that brings to surface poignant memories that was once a part of my life. I guess it is rather true that misery loves company.

I miss the time when I wake up in the morning and I sit on my bed in front of my closet, doors wide open and I just sit there and stare into it looking at all my clothes while thinking what I should wear that day. Strangely, it feels very calming. A mixture of the smell of clean clothes and my room.

I am sitting in the kitchen on this Sunday evening and I look out to my backyard. I miss my dog, Chyna. My beloved dog. She would always be waiting for me at the door, just standing at the doorway, always curious what we are doing. Or she would be lying on the ground silently following our movements with her gaze, tempting me almost to come and give her a belly massage. She would gently gnaw at my fingers and my hand, it feels awesome. She is such an obedient dog, smart, cheeky and sometimes more human than some bitches and SOBs out there.

I miss also, sitting on my bed in front of the fan and staring off into space. I realise I do a lot of sitting and staring into nowhere. I should take note of that and consider more adventurous adrenaline-rush activities such as swimming with sharks and sky diving. In my next life maybe.

I miss the times where I don't feel this enormous dread to get out of bed and go to work. When I would look forward to the day or at least look forward to end of the day, not with enormous glee or whatever. I mean I am human after all, who the hell looks forward to go to work. But the dread is so overbearing that I wish I would never wake up. Does it mean something?

Aahh...it seems trivial, it seems simple and it probably is. But this is who I am and sometimes I hate who I am. I wish I could wake up one day and not care at all, not give a damn about anything.

I wish....

Choices

Life is full of choices. When you wake up, you make a choice of do you want to make some milk and milo today or just go to work empty stomached because it is way too early to eat anything and spend some awkward minutes in a meeting trying to mask the sound of your tummy growling because you chose not to have the light breakfast. You then make a choice of wearing the same old ugly worn out shoes for work or the spanking new pair of shoes you just bought 2 days ago and have been dying to wear knowing sure enough it is gonna eat into your skin the first time and leave you with a bad cut because you didn't put a padding in it. For sake of beauty, girls go for the latter. But the scar on the back of your ankle doesn't go away, mind you. Then you wonder if you want to have a heavy lunch and skip dinner because you start to feel fat and bloated and that makes you feel guilty for even eating at all or you skip the lunch and have a guilt-free dinner by telling yourself you only had 2 meals or worst, 1 meal that day so you have every friggin right to enjoy your dinner. I know it doesn't work that way as we tend to over-indulge when we are super hungry but let's just be naive for a second. What if one day you wake up and you realise you don't have a choice but to go to work. Do we have a choice of staying at home and having our so called ME time? And the many many days after where you wake up every morning feeling like a piece of steaming hot pile of shit wishing you have a choice. You do, everyone and everything comes with a choice as well as a consequence. Somedays we have to be logical and realistic and some days you just want to say I-DON'T-GIVE-A-SHIT. Everyone needs a break to recharge and refresh. What if you realise it is no longer working for you and no matter how hard you try, you can't charge and you can't shake the shitty feeling every morning. You are left again with choices and consequences, most often than not in these circumstances....you make the stupidest choices but what if at the end of the day, all you want is to be able to be happy. To not have to keep your frustrations and bring it home. What if it is a choice of being happy or being miserable. Life is too short and we waste it away a lot. Sometimes we need to make a choice for change. A change is good. That is how we recharge. Doing something different. I made a choice for that more than a year ago, I became happy but change happens everyday and sometimes it ends and you are left with new choices to make. Some days you just don't want to wake up but unfortunately that is not a choice you can make.

The Help

This is a very very very very very good movie.
That's all I want to say about it. Watch it..

Chyna

I lost my dearest pet who is my friend and my family for the past 10 years of my life. I don't know how to grieve of it. I didn't get to say goodbye but in all fairness, it wasn't right to prolong her suffering just so I could see her. I wouldn't have been able to get through it if I was there. It hurts so bad and I hope she is reborn into a good life.

Is that it?

My whole life...packed into a luggage. I have no words to describe how I feel.

It's alive!!!!

This blog is still alive.....
I love Dunkin's choc pudding donut.
IKEA would be super cool only if you got your own little place to decorate.
I need Dexter.
I love holding my nephew.
I will never regret buying an iPhone. Phones have never been so fun.
Time should stand still for a moment.
Astro should bring in better shows.
The characters on Law & Order SVU look so dull.
There you go, all my random thoughts of the moment.

End of story

Awesome and sweeet

Manchester United is already 3 - 0 up at halftime. FInal score is 3 - 1. The game went pretty well. Very exciting. I don't know why the papers keep harping on De Gea's initial mistakes in his 1st or 2nd game with MU. I totally disagree. He has been awesome so far. I think those are just mind games to mess with his confidence. He is living and breathing awesome. He is catching balls (no pun intended) where I didn't think he would be able to reach and I thought it would be goner for MU already. But he got to it.
Apart from that, I am not a Nani fan at all. Not at all. But his strike was superb. And Torres's big miss was the best!
Another worthy effort to stay up and watch the game.

8- 2

8 for Manchester United, 2 for Arsenal. Unbelievably awesome game! MU made it look so easy and so entertaining at the same time.
Awesomeness... Well, this was worth staying up for.

Hallelujah!

FINALLY SOME PEACE!

=)

_|_

This Is Country Music

*swoon*

Universe says, Screw you!

You are never right when you dream of the best and you are always right when you imagine the worst. I think it's funny how things turn out. It's like the universe is just waiting for you to make that choice and then it screws you over. Like those storybooks with options for you to choose that leads you to different endings.

No Masters degree whatsoever is going to make any difference. In this world, that piece of paper gives me hope that I can venture out into something new. But really, people don't give a flying f**k and neither do I. It's stashed somewhere in that closet of old books. 90% of the time I don't even remember that I have one.

And then the wheels start turning and everything from the past & present starts changing drastically before your eyes. And then I feel like I have pummeled down a sink hole and yet sometimes I feel like I'm riding a wave, smile on my face, the wind in my hair and then suddenly a shark pops up and rips off your ankle. People usually say don't regret anything. Well, people who are successful will say that. I'm not getting any younger and my target line is already closing in on me. Looks like I need to shift it further.

Everyone's got to have passion in life. I don't have one, I can't find it. Do you have passion and what is your passion?

P/S: I just played with an app called Mood Analyzer test and it deemed me Useless. WTF?!