Confinement Experience

What does it feel like to be in confinement? It all starts off with 4 days in the hospital where I dread using the hospital toilet but have to. What makes it worst is that I know that I can't cleanse myself from all the hospital and public toilet germs when I get home until the 12th day. Yes, 12 days of no bathing.

Frankly I wasn't looking forward to confinement but I didn't expect it to be such a devastating experience. I can't turn on the fan so I sit in the air conditioned room all day. What's so bad about that? Not much except that I still sweat like a pig in the room not matter cold it was and I am just not used to turning on the air cond at home all day. It feels wasteful.

My feet are covered in socks almost 24 hours a day, and I miss the feeling of my bare feet touching the ground. Though all that is just cosmetic, the worst part of confinement is I am constantly feeling depressed. I don't know if it is because I am stuck in my room all day and I can't watch TV, I can't read books and pretty much I can't do anything but rest and eat. In fact I don't even have any appetite. I feel like I can't go through another day. And people are constantly raining advice and criticism into my ears that I feel like screaming.

I thought I can withstand this because I am a homebody. But by gosh I was wrong, it is not so much the need to be out and about. It is just a simple need to be anywhere with my baby but here. Anywhere but here where it is like a heated oven and also a pressure cooker. I don't know what makes it worst.... Is it the heat? Is that playing with my emotions? I don't even know how depressed I feel sometimes and I hope it is just the symptoms of confinement.

This is the 3rd week. I am counting the days where I can bathe anytime I want and I can drink PLAIN water because I am so farking thirsty and everything else doesn't quench my thirst. Confinement is like hell on earth....

Sea of Emotions

Books say that during these months, I would experience emotional ups and downs like never before. It was very obvious in the beginning, it went away towards the middle and now it is back agan toward the end.
If I tell you I am unafraid, I will be lying. I am swimming in a sea of emotions every single day. I am happy, excited, worried, stressed, freaked out and nervous. It doesn't help that people keep pressuring me also and adding to my worries just because they experience it a little differently than I do. Thus people say something is wrong with me.
I have learnt to tune these talks out and only absorb those that are of benefit and knowledge to me. Other talk is really like old wives tales of me not complying with the norm. Hey, everyone has a different experience.
There are so many things on my mind and no one I can confide in. I hate the thought of people taking control of my life and this has become my single worst fear. I know it does me no good by imagining the worst especially at times like this but just lying there in the dark when I can't sleep brings all kinds of thoughts to the surface.
I try to not even let work stuff get to me anymore especially in this final 2 laps. I want to enjoy the rest of it so that what's growing inside is enjoying it too. I want my peace and quiet and privacy and something I can hold on to. Sometimes all the white noise throws my emotions into chaos. I can't help worrying. It is like that when you are in an environment where we live by people's rules and not our own. It is challenge to make our own rules for our lives even being grown-assed adults.
Wish me a blessed lap to the finish line and I hope I will have more ups than downs for now.

Sea of blue

It is one of those darn days where everything seems so gloomy and feelings are the darker shade of blue. I hate these days or this feeling and I can't even pinpoint the source of it because everything, every word, every action and every breath is full of it. Anything anyone does makes me emotional. Nothing really causes this, I just feel blue for no obvious reasons. The worst part is these days keeps me up at night worrying about things that might or might not happen in future.

I wish it will go away...

Be Professional

Someone wants to give a preach about being professional. She is certainly barking up the wrong tree. Let's face it, they've got their work cut out for them and so have I. The last thing I need from some i-think-i-am-now-a-big-deal person is some snite sarcasm about professionalism apparently loud enough for me to hear. I think I am plenty professional way above this interesting fella from the way I converse for a start. Listen to her for one day and you would wonder what does professional mean in her world? Certainly not what everyone understands it to be.

You work long hours because you can't manage your time. That is NOT professionalism. Singing your lungs out in the office. That is NOT professionalism...please ...our ears. Not replying emails after a long long long delay...hell no to professionalism. Slamming doors in a meeting room full of people just because you don't like a certain discussion. That is NOT professionalism. Laughing and joking and distracting everyone when people are trying to listen to someone at the end of the other line...need I say more? And you expect people to be professional to you? 

If you want to see what not being professional is, then I will show it. This person probably shouldn't expect anymore willing cooperation from me and can just go ahead and complain because I frankly do not care anymore.

This sums it up

I, I could be anything

But for the fault that I've acquired on my way

We, We were the end of it

But now we see the sun shining in our face

We see the sun shining in our face

So come on, come on we can be saved

The lives we live, the wars we wage

When everyone just tells us how to feel

We're sleeping at the wheel

And I, I would give anything

But for the grace of God I'm here and still aware

We know the end is overrated

We've became the walls we raise

We don't believe enough but we still cared

Standing on the edge without a prayer

So come on, come on it's all we got

Our hands are full, our lives are not

The loose affiliation with the real

We're sleeping at the wheel

All of the time we've lost

All of the love we gave

And now these hands are tied

I can't help thinking

That I was in a daze, I was losing my place

I was screaming out at everything

Waiting for the walls to come down

Before my moments starts to fade

But everything that's perfect falls away

So come on, come on we can be saved

The lives we live, the wars we wage

When everyone just tells us how to feel

We're sleeping at the wheel

We're sleeping at the wheel

Just sleeping at the wheel

Matchbox Twenty : Sleeping At The Wheel

I can't fix it, ok?

I am a worry-freak by nature. Throw a problem that I can't solve at me and I worry all day.

I just want to enjoy my lunch. The only me time I truly have. I don't need to be bogged down by 3 problems that I can't control and can't fix even if no matter how hard I try. 3 very things that will keep me up at night and for many nights to come because I can't fix it. 3 things that really come to think of it, is caused by stupidity and rigidness.

Give me a break...I thought the problem was solved. Why are we digging up new ones before we can even enjoy the fruits of the earlier solution? Have I not have enough things to worry about in my life? I don't have the freedom to decide the course of my life. Give me a f*cking  break! I don't need a problem that I can't fix just because someone decides to be silly! People are coming at me from all angles wherever I decided to park my ass. 

Stagnant

I am out of sorts. It is Tuesday and I just caught myself staring into space feeling absolutely bummed out. I look at the emails trickling in and I feel extremely frustrated. I don't even have the strength to muster a reply.

I have done nothing and can do nothing to turn my life around. Everyday I am running in little circles trying to create meaning out of nothing. I wake up in the morning, barely had my eyes open and already I feel nervous, I feel afraid, not knowing how to get through the day, let alone the week. Trapped in a routine by design.

Bluesy

I miss the life I never had. I hate feeling this way, it makes me so blue that I don't know to switch back to cheery yellow colour. I wonder why is it that it is ok for others to have happiness and what not but I don't deserve it and we're not allowed to deserve it or even think it. 

I wish today will just end.

One year on

I was looking for some files in my laptop today and came across this photo of my dog Chyna. Only did I realised it is almost a year since her passing. Looking at the photo aches my heart a little but I know she is in a better place. I miss stroking her fur and scratching her cheek with my fingers. She was a good companion. Her last few weeks were not great for her. No matter how sick or weak she was, everytime she sees me she will come running to me though it was sometimes a struggle. I want to dedicate the song Over You to my beloved pet and no, I am most definitely not over her.

Aptly Titled

I recently discovered photo app called TitleFx. It lets me add text onto a photo, in a way to make it look like poster or magazine. I am getting a kick out of making a collection of memorable moments using this. I want to make this one of my tentative resolutions which is to use this app to identify photos that are part of a key moment in my life. Yes, I have nothing better to do with my life. I like to decorate stuff.... Here are some I have collected so far.

Potato Crave

I love potatoes. I love them fried, I love them mashed, I love them baked, I love them for heaven's sake. The need to rhyme is a little 'sampat'.
Potatoes are filling and fattening I suppose but I can never get enough of it. I have made potato salad before which I absolutely LOVE. Recently I made mashed potatoes again, I haven't made mashed potatoes in years and it is so simple to make, so delicious too. I'm tooting my own trumpet but why not?
Here are 3 photos of potato dishes I made recently.

One year on

Another milestone has passed, another milestone coming up in February and another bigger celebratory milestone in March. Can't help thinking what happened to the clock...I just blinked...
I remember that I went to great lengths to find the matching pink tie to match my dress. I love lilies so I had the hand bouquet customised and it turned out alright and surprisingly affordable. It was interesting day after all. Everything went well despite almost getting into an argument with some idiot person who wanted to jump our queue. Time flies doesn't it?

My 1st attempt at butter cake

The recipe was simple, the ingredients were minimal... It was just music to my ears. I have done cheesecake before in a class and boy, that was too much work. Now butter cake was a lot simpler. I got the recipe from my dear aunt. I have made it twice now but it wasn't perfect. It didn't flop but it wasn't perfect enough for me. The bottom got burnt but the rest is edible and it was a tad dry. Probably the temperature was too high and i placed it to low on the rack. Nevertheless, I think I would be able to improve it after a few more tries and knowing the right temperature for my oven. Now I am by no means an expert in this, I still need to try it out few more times before it becomes the soft, moist cake that I love.

All I needed was :
250gm of salted butter (preferably Golden Churn or SCS)
220gm of sugar
1 teaspoon of vanilla essence
5 eggs
220gm of self raising flour
1 teaspoon of baking powder
2 tablespoons of milk
1 tablespoon of milk powder

My first comment when I saw this was... Hey, so I just dump all this in a bowl and beat it up? The laughter I heard next proved I was totally useless at baking. Ok, the answer is no. I have to first mix the butter and the sugar. Then add on the vanilla and eggs one by one. Beat them till they are white and fluffy at high speed.
The first time I did it, I dumped all the flour into the mix after that and beat it well and fast (after sieving of course). Wrong again... I have to put the sieved flour in and fold it bit by bit. So what I did the second time was sieve the flour, baking powder and milk powder in a separate bowl. Once my butter and sugar mix is well beaten with egg and all, I put the flour into the mix bit by bit. No hard and fast mixing now. Just fold it slowly. Apparently it has something to do with folding and air getting into it that makes it fluffy. Finally I add in the milk, fold a bit more and voila. Time to bake.

I guess 180C would be the right temperature for 45 minutes. I need to experiment that a bit more.
Anyway, it was interesting baking that, it wasn't perfect but for a first timer...I think I did OK! It really cheered me up and distracted me from something that was bothering me. The process isn't fun nor is the cleaning but the end result was satisfying.

The hidden meaning of revamping

Revamp - An act of improving the form, structure, or appearance.

I've revamped the look of my blog. Whether that is an improvement or not, I frankly don't give a crap as long as I like it. I do little things like this every once in a while. Change what I can change in my life eventhough it is a trivial thing. There is not much I can change for a majority of my life but this...this I have control. This I can do..

People revamp their image, their belongings, their house, their car, their blogs, their hobbies..whatever it takes. Not because I have too much time on my hands (yeah maybe I do sometimes but I still have a job). These little things help me get through my days. When I was younger, when things get me down, I re-organize my bedroom to make it look different, to make it feel newer.

As I get older, things change, circumstances change. Sometimes I can afford to revamp something different, sometimes there are constraints. Whatever it is, when life gets too routine, I need to find something to redesign. Little things such as changing my handbag, changing phone cover, getting new cushion covers, trying to discover a hidden talent which in fact I don't have. It is a cheap, temporary thrill that makes me feel fresher. It could mean re-arranging my books or changing my wardrobe. I may take up learning something new such as baking a cake. Never in my life have I baked a cake until a couple of months ago. Now I'm attempting to successfully bake a butter cake. I was going through some hiccups and worries recently and what gets me through was finally baking a butter cake that didn't burn beyond recognition - it was quite an achievement. It distracted me just a little enough to cheer me up! Desserts are miracles, don't you think so? Stressed means desserts.

My point is, things are just blah now so I'm getting a cheap short thrill from changing the look of my blog. The feeling will probably last till tomorrow, whatever it takes...There's not much going on in my life so I'll top it off now by kicking back and watching some Modern Family in a while.

Maybe I'll change my iPad cover tomorrow...

I GIVE UP

Can I really? You ever have those days where you just want to put up your hands and say I give up! I surrender! Whatever!
I am having one of those days. I'm here reading something and I just go - I GIVE UP. I wish I can give up and walk off. I'm fed up and I'm frustrated and I'm stumped. I'm out of ideas... Can this be over?

The Scientist

I have to say that I was pleasantly surprised to find out that one of my favourite songs of all time The Scientist by Coldplay was featured in the latest episode of Glee. I first heard this song in the movie Wicker Park, the ending airport scene which was so so so touching. Glee's version was not too bad either but nothing beats the original. *wink*

Missing

Sunday evening is not the best time .... like ever. It is nice if the next day is an off day but unfortunately I have to go to work and I have to deal with matters that sometimes makes me want to give up. Doesn't that sound familiar? I am sure everyone feels this way one point in time or every single breathing moment.

It is during these bluesy Sunday evenings that brings to surface poignant memories that was once a part of my life. I guess it is rather true that misery loves company.

I miss the time when I wake up in the morning and I sit on my bed in front of my closet, doors wide open and I just sit there and stare into it looking at all my clothes while thinking what I should wear that day. Strangely, it feels very calming. A mixture of the smell of clean clothes and my room.

I am sitting in the kitchen on this Sunday evening and I look out to my backyard. I miss my dog, Chyna. My beloved dog. She would always be waiting for me at the door, just standing at the doorway, always curious what we are doing. Or she would be lying on the ground silently following our movements with her gaze, tempting me almost to come and give her a belly massage. She would gently gnaw at my fingers and my hand, it feels awesome. She is such an obedient dog, smart, cheeky and sometimes more human than some bitches and SOBs out there.

I miss also, sitting on my bed in front of the fan and staring off into space. I realise I do a lot of sitting and staring into nowhere. I should take note of that and consider more adventurous adrenaline-rush activities such as swimming with sharks and sky diving. In my next life maybe.

I miss the times where I don't feel this enormous dread to get out of bed and go to work. When I would look forward to the day or at least look forward to end of the day, not with enormous glee or whatever. I mean I am human after all, who the hell looks forward to go to work. But the dread is so overbearing that I wish I would never wake up. Does it mean something?

Aahh...it seems trivial, it seems simple and it probably is. But this is who I am and sometimes I hate who I am. I wish I could wake up one day and not care at all, not give a damn about anything.

I wish....

Choices

Life is full of choices. When you wake up, you make a choice of do you want to make some milk and milo today or just go to work empty stomached because it is way too early to eat anything and spend some awkward minutes in a meeting trying to mask the sound of your tummy growling because you chose not to have the light breakfast. You then make a choice of wearing the same old ugly worn out shoes for work or the spanking new pair of shoes you just bought 2 days ago and have been dying to wear knowing sure enough it is gonna eat into your skin the first time and leave you with a bad cut because you didn't put a padding in it. For sake of beauty, girls go for the latter. But the scar on the back of your ankle doesn't go away, mind you. Then you wonder if you want to have a heavy lunch and skip dinner because you start to feel fat and bloated and that makes you feel guilty for even eating at all or you skip the lunch and have a guilt-free dinner by telling yourself you only had 2 meals or worst, 1 meal that day so you have every friggin right to enjoy your dinner. I know it doesn't work that way as we tend to over-indulge when we are super hungry but let's just be naive for a second. What if one day you wake up and you realise you don't have a choice but to go to work. Do we have a choice of staying at home and having our so called ME time? And the many many days after where you wake up every morning feeling like a piece of steaming hot pile of shit wishing you have a choice. You do, everyone and everything comes with a choice as well as a consequence. Somedays we have to be logical and realistic and some days you just want to say I-DON'T-GIVE-A-SHIT. Everyone needs a break to recharge and refresh. What if you realise it is no longer working for you and no matter how hard you try, you can't charge and you can't shake the shitty feeling every morning. You are left again with choices and consequences, most often than not in these circumstances....you make the stupidest choices but what if at the end of the day, all you want is to be able to be happy. To not have to keep your frustrations and bring it home. What if it is a choice of being happy or being miserable. Life is too short and we waste it away a lot. Sometimes we need to make a choice for change. A change is good. That is how we recharge. Doing something different. I made a choice for that more than a year ago, I became happy but change happens everyday and sometimes it ends and you are left with new choices to make. Some days you just don't want to wake up but unfortunately that is not a choice you can make.

The Help

This is a very very very very very good movie.
That's all I want to say about it. Watch it..

Chyna

I lost my dearest pet who is my friend and my family for the past 10 years of my life. I don't know how to grieve of it. I didn't get to say goodbye but in all fairness, it wasn't right to prolong her suffering just so I could see her. I wouldn't have been able to get through it if I was there. It hurts so bad and I hope she is reborn into a good life.